Why do I run…. An ongoing reflection & conversation
Spoiler alert: it has nothing to do with changing how my body looks
Sometimes I feel like an unlikely runner. At least, I feel like I am not like “most runners.” Most runners I know are extremely focused on all the metrics in which a run can be measured – pace and cadence and mileage and gear and races and personal bests and records (PBs and PRs) and generally getting faster. While of course seeing ourselves progress in skill with anything feels amazing – playing an instrument, rock climbing, speaking Spanish etc, I would argue that there is definitely more to the success of any activity than just progression in skill or difficulty level. For me, running, like any activity, is more about how I feel when I am doing it, and more than that, about the community of amazing humans the sport has brought into my life.
One of the biggest joys of running for me is a run with a good friend and talking about the challenges and wins of life. Racing and being able to join friends on their first half marathons has also been an incredible privilege and joy. I cannot recall how fast we ran or any of the metrics but I can tell you how much joy it was to run with friends through start lines and finish lines and everything in between. When I ran alongside Casey for her first half, it was getting harder around 17-18k and the sun came out, I looked at her and said “Suns out” to which she grinned back at me and said, “guns out” which made us both laugh and brought some ease to the final few difficult kms. A somewhat silly and generally awesome moment I will never forget and will forever cherish. Finish time? No clue. And is that really what matters at the end of the day anyways?
In addition to the joy of running with friends, running has always been tangible evidence that I can show up for myself, and that I can do hard things, or as coach Lindsay tells me often (and I need reminding, often), I am more capable than I will ever let myself believe. In beautiful moments, running proves my pessimism wrong, I am indeed more capable than I left myself believe. Not just in running, but in so many areas of life. Between races (which I do FAR less often now, both due to budget considerations and desire), the process of running brings me so much joy. I love that every single day our bodies are different. I love that I don’t totally know how I am feeling, what capacity I have or how I will perform when I lace up for any run, any given day. I love the practice of meeting myself where I am at, with kindness and doing my best – as in whatever my best is on that day, at that time. Berating oneself for a slow or sluggish run does not in my option count as self-kindness. And self-kindness is not a “one and done” – it’s a continual practice of trying to be kind to ourselves when we are physically, mentally and/or emotionally having a hard moment, day, month, year, era etc. I also sort of love how unique each run is - no run ever will be the same because we and the weather are at least slightly different every single day. I also know that my tougher runs teach me a lot more about my self-talk and coping than an awesome easy strong run ever will (though gosh are those runs pure fun!) I also feel most calm, able to process my big feelings and think clearly when running is a somewhat regular part of my weekly life.
"11 weeks to go" was at times a good week, at times a hard week. I set out to do my long run Saturday morning will the intention of completing it, but halfway through I was feeling really dizzy and not okay to keep pushing, so I made the difficult decision to stop halfway. I let myself feel sad and disappointed. I cried in my car before driving home and I worked on that whole self-kindness thing amidst the sadness and disappointment. I know I am an external processor, so I texted a friend, I left another friend a voice note mid-cry in the car because I knew she would get it and be supportive, whenever she managed to listen to the message. I let myself feel what I was feeling, and had friends help me validate my feelings and my decision to listen to my body. And rested... and I am feeling at peace about the whole thing now. In the end, I was able to show up for all the minutes scheduled by my coach (just not as they were scheduled/planned) and I am healthy and injury-free so I feel really great about both of those things.
As my time spent running increases each week, my hunger and fatigue have increased so I am eating a bit more to honour my hunger and sleeping a bit more to honour the increased fatigue/need for more rest. Coming up I have a “recovery” week in my training, but also …heat warnings here in Victoria and a 4-day hike over the August long weekend. Feeling a bit apprehensive about this week.. and again, will have to keep practising that self-kindness as I do my best and meet my body and weather where it is at (safely!). OH and I am working my way through a LOT of watermelon currently. Soooo satisfying on a hot summer day!
Thanks again for reading along
Much Love,
Monica
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